young black womon dead and to blame

You know what irritates me to know end?

I'll give you one guess.

It's a six letter word and it begins with "P".

P _ _ P _ _

They are a pain in the ass and quite frankly what's wrong with this world- myself included of course.

On Wednesday evening there was a shooting at a major intersection (Curepe Junction). There are shootings everyday in this country I'm sure. I'm almost certain someone dies at the hands of violence here every day as well. After all I believe there are some 380+ murders so far and we still have a solid 3 months to go.

Anyway... all of that is to say that the news alone should be shocking to no one who lives in this country. There were three things about this story however that stood out.

1. it happened in the morning- not the wee hours: more like 11 a.m.
2. it happened in a public place- a fast food chain at one of the busiest if not the busiest intersections along the bus route
3. it was not gang related in anyway- it was a murder suicide of the "intimate partner violence" nature. I use the word nature b/c the couple was no longer together i.e. a man shot his ex-girlfriend.
   

Tragic, n'est-ce pas? Actually it's frightening. When we think of how often people end, start, and continue relationships sometimes without second thoughts, sometimes making what seem at the time the hardest decisions in our lives. And on Wednesday that man made a decision that ended not only the life of a womon he once cared for but his own.

But that's not the p_ _ p_ _ part that gets me. I'm listening to the radio on Thursday morning- probably the 1st time I'm hearing about this story and the djs* are talking about the incidents. So I'm listening to these fools talk about the incident and they were saying that the father of the man (along with others who knew him) said two things

1. that he's not surprised about what happened b/c his son definitely had and anger problem and that's the reason he and his son were not very close.
   
2. the couple wasn't "broken up, broken up"

So the fools on the radio start to say well she must have obviously known who she was dealing with and start speculating as to why she would

1. not fully break up with him "you know sometimes you take away their front door key but keep letting them in the back"
2. meet up with him- if they were really broken up they shouldn't have any reason to meet- it's not like they had children together.
3. meet up with him knowing his temper
   

I could not believe what I was hearing. It was blaming the victim in the most painful of ways. I must say I'm much more accustomed to hearing people blame victims (read womyn) when it comes to sexual assault i.e. "why was she wearing that?" "she must have been drunk" "you saw how she was dancing" etc. But I was in complete disbelief when I realized they were blaming this womon who was now dead who also in my opinion was in no was complicit with her death.

And listen to my langugage- as though it's possible for anyone to be complicit in getting killed.

When people who knew him/them can say they are not surprised that is really just the polite way of saying he was abusive towards her. And I wish people would speak honestly about violence instead of these muted tones that convey worlds of ambiguity. And one can only imagine that level of violence they must have lived with when they were together for people to not be surprised that he shot and killed her.

Since Wednesday there have been several stories where it's clear that he's having a hard time dealing with the fact that she has a new partner. There are even reports that he said he intended to kill her.

Not once on the radio did the djs acknowledge/speculate

1. that he may have been threatening her. Making her new life without him a hell. Not once did they
   
2. the fact that if they were in fact meeting up they did so in a public place. If I were her I would think that's one place that I would definitely be safe.
3. that the man brought a GUN to met her. His intentions were clear- not necessarily re: death but definitely violence was intended.

This womon lost her life! And you're talking about her as though she is in somehow or someway to blame. I u/s that we all accept that he was definitely in the wrong but the victim blaming has got to end. Too often we as womyn live our lives in constant fear of violence. It's been so ingrained in us we don't even think about it. Often we don't think of the events themselves as violent. But we live lives plagued with violence and deny a sister the respect she deserves even in her death makes me want to yell and scream and cry and shake and profess how much I HATE p _ _ p_ _.

Not once did

* I think I should do a list of things I hate b/c I've hated djs since I was in junior high. I was and am still convinced that all they learn in school is how to be obnoxious.

online tv

I love you.

Watching television online has allowed me to live my life as a normally would without needing to be home and or in front of a television as a specific time to know what's going on with my favourite characters.

I especially thank the providers of

1. The Office
2. HIMYM

I have problems, yes I know.

What's pissing me off though is this latest development where I'm lured into some sites claim to have 80 episodes of let's say.... Newsradio only to find out that that:Now explain to me how a site that clearly feels free enough to share television with people online limits itself to one region?

The answer?

Patriotism. So we knock down one barrier just to willfully enforce another.

Am I taking my anger for this too far? I mean after all it could be a legitimate technical limitation. I however think it's a conspiracy for the good life (watching tv online) to be shared only with Americans.

I want to watch tv too!

:'(

after all "it's just black people"

I find lots of African Heritage Caribbean people are always quick to talk about Black Americans as whiny. They complain too much about slavery and don't do enough for themselves. It's precisely why I try to avoid conversations with African Heritage Caribbean people about slavery and or Black Americans...

The other day however I got stuck. I was doing my aunt's hair and something came up on television. I'm pretty sure we were watching an episode of Law & Order and she started talking about that fact that when she was in Baltimore last year visiting another niece (her 2nd favourite- I'm not the 1st) she was shocked and how run down so many areas were. She said for entire blocks you would have rundown buildings that were cornered off with plywood. And it was then it hit me that that's where The Wire is shot.

So she's talking and her conclusion is the reason that the area looks like that is b/c as far as the government is concerned- "it's just black people". She described another area in DC that was also a lot like that- again, "just black people". Her 2nd reasoning is that a lot of the areas were just never fixed up after the riots of the 60s? 70s? Why again? "it's just black people". This same aunt refuses to see why Black Americans are so caught up in the history of slavery.

Anyway... All that aside. What's the Caribbean's excuse? I mean there are so many areas in this country that I wouldn't even dream of driving in at night. So many areas I wouldn't dream of driving in during the day. I've heard countless stories about being stopped by the police and the army in these areas. More stories of community imposed road blocks where the blockers demand either money or your destination before you can pass through.

So tell me what's this government's excuse? It can't be that it's "just black people". After all we are a nation made up primarily of people of colour. So in a country hundreds of gated communities- granted plenty white people live there too- and lots of rich people of colour what's the excuse for areas that look just as run down as the streets of Baltimore?

The government clearly reflects the people yet somehow it actually cannot seem to help the poorest most crime ridden areas. What is our problem?

What really is our problem?

There are two areas here that are prime real estate in this country. View and proximity make that possibly the two better pieces of land in the entire island. Both these areas qualify as the poorest and most crime ridden areas of all the island- at least in the top 10 slots. Part of me suspects that the government is just waiting for the people to die- violence, drugs, HIV/AIDS so that they can take over the land. This conspiracy theory is so much easier to beilieve/ buy into when your government doesn't look like you isn't it?

I wonder what the States will do if Obama's elected and things don't look that different?

:|

all time low

Now don't get me wrong...

I love Betty Crocker.

Her products are lovely.

My evidence for my love for the product?

EXHIBIT A
Many Delta Zeta* nights were spent enjoying rather generous servings of this cake. When we made it there were 6 slices. Yeah...


One night a non-DZ was around and she couldn't finish half of one of the slices. Let's just say DZ as a unit were a little ashamed. Don't worry though- we got over it. :)

EXHIBIT B
Then the other day I discovered these in the supermarket.



I made them and ate 5/6 of the product myself over the course of two days- maybe even less than 36 hours.** I don't know what made me buy them and I was teased mercilessly about it b/c being in North America for so long I sure do have a predisposition for pre-made food. Whatever. It was lovely. Actually it's more than whatever I haven't bought the cookie mix since... for several reasons:

1. I don't want to be teased again.
2. I don't want to think about how North Americanized I've become with all the pre-packaged food.
3. I don't want to make a habit of eating 25+ cookies plus cookie dough in less than 36hrs.
4. It's really expensive.***

My love however ends here:


Pre-packaged foods are ridiculous. I mean how much effort does it actually take to bake something? So here I am mulling over that fact that baking something from scratch really isn't that big a deal only to realize that baking something from a mix is apparently a hassle for some.


*Note this is not a real sorority but what my roommate and I used to refer to ourselves in private.

** I have serious issues with moderation. Plus I found they taste a lot like Twix bars.

*** Food is getting ridiculously expensive. Anyone want to pay me for being me?

gender roles

I look young for my age.

More accurately I dress younger than society thinks someone @ my age and stage should. Especially Caribbean society.

I wear non-fitted jeans, flats & t-shirts.

I don't "do" my eyebrows. I don't engage in hair removal unless I can help it (hence the t-shirts as opposed to tank tops).

My boss thinks I'm a lesbian all b/c of these reasons. She hasn't said as much to me but the side comments are there. The co-worker who is the bane of my existence would love or me to be a lesbian so that he would have some grounds (rooted in his homophobia) for his disdain for me other than my competence*.

Anyway... all this has me thinking about gender roles and how difficult it is for us to imagine people differently.

I just returned from a "holiday" in Toronto and it was soo good to be in Toronto b/c I haven't felt that comfortable just being myself in such a long time. As much as the Caribbean awards me the weather that I enjoy the most and being closer to family it has never really provided me with comfort in just being me.

But yeah, imagining people differently. It's crazy that the only way young womyn are seen as "normal" i.e. straight is when they

1. straighten their hair or do their hair on a regular basis if natural
2. shave their legs
3. wear "stylish" clothes (that fit)
4. wear shoes with back breaking high heels
5. wear hand bags vs back backs
6. wear make up
7. "do" their eyebrows
8. shave their underarms **
9. wear skirts on a regular basis

I find it especially difficult to navigate this around my own heterosexism that makes it difficult for me feel comfortable as straight when I don't seem that straight, and not over-identifying as straight to compensate for that feeling of not fitting in to the aforementioned.

But part of me wants to continue to "be like this" if it means that one girl or womon- queer, straight, trans, bio or otherwise somewhere sees me and thinks it's okay for me to look different. B/c it really should be okay. And the more I conform the less of us "different" people there are out there and that's what makes Toronto me feel comfortable in Toronto all the "different" people.

*His constant refrain, "derevolushun you're sooo competent.
** This is one thing I do without thinking of- brain washing, well I do think about it and often wear a t-shirt instead.

i have a problem

I'm not really a sports person. I think it's a complete and absolute waste of resources. Well maybe not complete and absolute but at international/professional levels disgusting amounts of money and time are spent on a small few to damage their bodies for our entertainment.

I never really played sports growing up. There was a brief netball stint but it wasn't very good. Coordination isn't my strong suit.

Watching sports... My dad will watch anything with a ball on television but it was his time we weren't really encouraged and my mom didn't watch sports at all. That was until I saw her watching the Track & Field 100M dash in the 1996 Olympics. It was scary. There was a guy running for Trinidad and I saw my mother get up out of her seat and yell and the screen. "GO ATO! GO ATO! GO ATO! GO!" It was scary.


That's him in lane 3.

Ever since then I have slowly been replicating her behaviour every 4 years for the same event. If there is someone competing for my country I'm insanely patriotic. Thankfully my country's small so we haven't had many contenders but I make the most of it... I scream, rant and rave for heats.

This year has been particularly intense b/c last Olympics I was introduced to the glory that is Asafa Powell. I professed my love for this man and declared him my future husband. When he ran his heat with Maurice Green and seemed to pause and let Maurice take it almost say, "I'll give it to you, I know you need it more than I do" I was SOLD. He didn't perform well in the finals though- injury but I knew the next Olympics he'd be there for me. And I'd be there supporting him until the end.


Watch Maurice Green looking all vex. Why? B/c he knew that win was a gift.

We even had someone. Kim Collins and even though he was way past his prime at the 3rd Olympic run I thought maybe he'd be able to make it to the finals. Though he performed well in all his heats his times just weren't good enough to advance from the semi-finals. I will however will never forget the immense joy I got from watching someone from my country compete in the finals. It's something I think most people take for granted.


You made me/us proud Kim.

These races have been so stressful for me. I have all the times set in my phone as reminders. I actually woke up this morning to a race at quater to 8 this morning. When the heats 1st started the night b4 last I was so tense. I was making calls, yelling at the television. Changing my facebook and MSN names and pictures. When I finally decided to go to bed maybe 40 mins after the last heat my heart was RACING. It took 5 mins of concentrated breathing for it to slow down.

And today...
Well there's no video available yet. There's video of me watching it though- and let's say it's frightening.

Anyway I had Gold for Bolt b/c he's a beast and I don't believe his last name is Bolt. It's like Alicia and her last name being Keys. Silver for Asafa and Bronze for Thompson- he's obviously good but I think it may have been slightly clouded by a soft spot in my heart for men he went to QRC. Anyway... What happened?




It was Bolt with Gold of course. Running 9.69. Does anyone realize how huge that is? That doesn't seem physically possibly? People are trying to convince me that in my lifetime we're going to see someone run 9.5. 100M is 9.5 seconds. That's RIDICULOUS. What Bolt did today was frightening. It just doesn't seem humanly possible. He's a young boy and he's just amazing.

J/ca didn't even want him to run. They had him carded for the 200M and he campaigned to go for the 100M. And I u/s J/ca's position. They really thought Asafa would have it this year. And if Bolt took it then Asafa would never really get any major championship. A difficult call but when they say send your best you really have to send your best. Policits aside I guess.

Silver- Thompson. Some more QRC love. It was crazy. According to Red 96.7 today is Richard Thompson day.


Some American came 3rd.


What happened to Asafa you ask?

5th! He came fucking 5th!

I have decided that I need to be a therapist as soon as I possibly can so that I can have a session with him. He ran a faster time in the semi-finals.

And this is how I know sports are evil. How in the world are you expected to ask people to perform u/these conditions? It takes a completely different personality and body type to handle the stress and the pressure. And at the end of it rude, ungrateful and disrespectful people like me want to be upset about it.

Asafa don't worry. I still loooooooooooooooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeee you!

"Bolt" however is a BEAST and deserves all the praise.

I was so stressed after this race. I was tense all over. Felt like I had a weight on my chest. Just unhappy. It was a horrible feeling and once again I'm thankful that this only happens once every 4 years. I may consider boycotting the Olympics next time around. Knowing me though I'll think I can handle it in a few years.

But I can't.

Today is definitely a jerk pork and rum & coke kind of day.

STRESS!!!

Shout out to the womyn running the 100M. How is Chandra Sturrup still running and running so friggin' fast? And Kerron Stewart? What are these people eating.

Tonight's going to be CRAZY.

groupie love

I rarely endorse artists or music but I must say that I love Estelle. There is something about her sound that just makes me... I feel like saying swoon but I'm not sure if that's the appropriate note. I mean there's definitely leg spreading music but there's some music that for me just makes me want to... I wish I could describe it.

It's happened to me 4 times (this being the 3rd)

1. when the Lauryn Hill album came out and I just used to listen to it over and over again. I just caught the Doo-Wop video on television one day and I was sold. My favourite video ever from that album is Ex-Factor. You know when someone sings a song and you wish you were in the situation they were describing so you could feel it even more? You know it's a problem when it's a negative situation.
2. when I heard Chrisette Michelle singing the hook on Nas's Can't Forget About You. I couldn't get that voice out of my head. It was so strong, so sure, so certain, so dated but not in the out-of style way more so not of our time/so not something you'd think could come out of someone so young.
   
3. I'll be honest I'm not sure what did it for me with Estelle. It may have been her singing the hook on American Boy that alerted me to her loveliness. But I actually had to look her up when I heard Come Over on the radio. And I may just have an obesession with all things British (shout out to my maternal aunt) but I'm just in love. So I was being my regular groupie self and I found this video that made me love her even more. I mean now she's all super-femme and Americanized in dresses and shit but look at this video: It's so hot. She's just chillin' and I know it's all about the image they want to create for the video but I LOVE it and I hope I get to see her live one day. And hopefully it's not disappointing the way seeing Lauryn Hill was.
4. Jazmine Sullivan. Her album hasn't come out yet. I heard the song on the radio and googled the lyrics online... (yeah, that's how I use my time @ work when I'm in the office). She's real young and the song shows it but her voice much like Chrisette Michelle's has serious potential.
   

I think it may the strong reggae influences in all their music, the old school-ish feel. Or maybe it's just the fact that all these womyn sing alto and in a way that makes it easy for me to sing along with them. But the love is real.

This is making me want to load up my mp3 player and actually start listening to music in public. Shocking

Anyway this one is for Estelle to being funky.